I am alone and it is no longer a thing my mother cursed me with.
I am alone and it is a form of brokenness. Into the cracks, I pour gold. I am alone and it is a fact. Not good or bad. Not chosen or denied. It is a fact. I am alone. I sit with this.
I am alone but I can hear birdsong and the rustle of tree leaves whispering at sundown. Nights keep me company. Sometimes, the days too.
I am alone because I love a thing that is too far away. Like a star is far away. Visible, beautiful, and entirely necessary. But out of reach. You do not always get what you love. Sometimes you do not always want what you love. Other times, the opposite is true. And so I am alone.
I am alone because I live in a city where everybody wants to meet but nobody wants to see you. In cities people talk but dont speak. They hear but they don’t listen. In cities people communicate differently. I don’t belong to the city.
I am alone because I won’t do small talk. I want conversation. I want eye contact. I want depth. People think I’m intense. “She comes on too strong”. So I stay home. That’s why I’m alone.
I am mad. I am wild. I am fearless and unbound. I won’t settle for things that have no soul. And so, I am alone.
There are books, and there is music, art, colour. There is prayer, there is sleep, and there is God. All good things you come to and make your own, you will do so by yourself. It’s the only way. Alone is the only way.
Loneliness is the tail of fear that attaches itself to your awareness of being alone. It is the tail of a lizard. Detach it. You are free from loneliness. It sounds too easy. It’s not.
When I break, there is nobody by my side. For a time I railed against the universe for this act of neglect. I thought the world owed me something. I thought I was entitled care. Nobody was coming to save me. When you are in a hundred thousand pieces on the floor all by yourself, nobody will come for you. Please believe it. Your brokenness is a repellent. This is the time you need to step in for yourself. You are alone.
When you are torn, say it to yourself: I am alone. And say it like you’re there to save the planet. I am alone. I am not invincible but I can take care of myself. I am not a mountain. I am a woman and I crack like glass. I’ll have my heart broken every day if it teaches me how to live, love, and stay open.
I am alone. It doesn’t hurt or make me wince to say it. It doesn’t feel awkward at parties, but I’d much rather go somewhere quieter. I take my alone with me everywhere I go. It has its own pillow. It sits across me at breakfast not eating anything.
My alone doesn’t define me. But it’s not a dirty little secret. It’s my alone, my life. And it’s alright.