More is less

One would think it was a compliment. To have someone tell you that you were “full”. That you were the personification of excess love, giving, generosity. What could there be wrong with that?

I will tell you.

There is so much to give because there is such a lack. That is what hit me when I heard the words. You spoke from a place of wonder of not slight astonishment at the fact that a grown woman could be so incredibly gullible, guileless and childlike in her naivete when it came to matters of the heart. In that one split second there was a blinding flash of recognition. How right you were. And yet how sweetly unaware of why.

Have you heard of the way people spend the most when they have the least? It’s true. It’s a fact. It comes from a place of such immense fear and worthlessness that a recklessness steps in and takes over. And those people are seen as being extravagant spendthrifts, if not altogether entirely idiotic. Don’t they know what they’re doing? Can’t they see that they cannot afford to spend like this? How will they pay the bills? This kind of mindlessness will ultimately destroy them financially.

It is exactly the same for me emotionally, I realized just now. It’s the same. I give not because I am full. I give because I am empty. I don’t give because I have so much love, it is because I want to be loved. I live with reckless abandon because somewhere inside I have begin to believe that if I risk myself; life, limb, and love, maybe- just maybe, someone will see that I am worthy and fill me up.

These aren’t new lessons, of course. But I marvel at the many ways the Universe chooses to show me the same message over and over again. Today, you were that messenger. And that is why it cut into me, the words you said. Because they were true, but for reasons you could not have possibly known or understood.