Best friend is another word for “nobody”

It has been three years and I finally broke my bonds with my best friend. This best friend concept is something some of us can do without. I went through school looking at others pairing up and for some reason we were always odd numbered in class. So that meant one person got left out and had to be painfully injected into a happy twosome to create an awkward trio.

That was me. I was also that kid that you didn’t want on your softball team because from the looks of it I wasn’t much good for anything. Truth is, I could pulp the shit out of that ball with the maiden strike. The kids didn’t know. They were stuck with me and started rolling their eyes and kicking the dirt when it was finally my turn.

Kids like that don’t have best friends. Kids like that, like me, hardly had friends. If I look back I don’t recall there being anything so godawful about me. I was just a regular kid. If anything I came across as a little desperate because I so wanted to be accepted. Forget popular; that would never happen. But if one person would look at me and say, “you’re nice. I like you. I hope we can be friends,” it would have been nice. It would have been more than enough.

When it finally did happen, I fell in love with them. I suppose it was natural for my age. And natural because you go so long hungry for love of some kind that when you see a sliver of it, you grab it like it was made of gold. Because it is rare and precious and if you lose it you will kill yourself.

Of course, it always ended up the same. They left. They got weirded out. They found other people. They went away to other schools, other countries and I went back to being that last unchosen kid for Games class.

You think things will get better when you’re grown up but the heart remains a child. I am nearly 40 years old, and I marvel at women who giggle and sip martinis together, who share the same size and buy each other clothes, women who go on holiday together, get drunk together, get hysterically funny together, and collapse into a weepy heap with each other.

I marvel not because I don’t understand what this is, but because I have never really had it long enough to keep it and call it my own. Sure, there have been glimpses of it. 40 is a long time to go without experiencing a little of everything on life’s grand buffet train. But while I have sampled I have not savoured. While I have tasted, I have not taken, and while I have marvelled I have not managed to make or keep my own unbreakable bonds.

Maybe I am just not worth the pain. Maybe there is simply too much that is wrong with me, despite knowing I have my everything to give in exchange for one sincere, evocative friendship. I’m not the one anyone wants to link their arm go to eat lunch with.

I eat alone a lot. I sleep alone. And many weekends are spent wordlessly. It begs the question: am I lonely? And I guess in some odd ways I am although it doesn’t feel the same anymore – the loneliness. It has a different flavour. Sometimes it’s comfort. Sometimes, mellow and gentle, like hair being stroked. Other times, it itches like a synthetic sweater. But it is always quiet. Even through the din in my head that won’t let me sleep at night. Even then, it’s a deathly silent existence.

Strangely enough I never stopped looking for that elusive best friend of mine. A few years ago I found her. We could complete each other’s sentences, we cracked each other up, took each other’s pants on a regular basis, and never betrayed confidences. We lived thousands of miles apart and met just once. But we spoke every day, sometimes oftener, and made memories to last a lifetime. I was certain she was the one. “Mo anam cara”, or soul friend. Like all things it was perfect until it wasn’t.

We don’t speak anymore. It’s been a few months. The reasons are irrelevant, I realise. There is a pattern of repetition. An assembly line of experience that must complete its run. And so it is.

I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt like a bitch on toast, especially when I discover how happy she is with her new life, and the boyfriend I didn’t know about, and the new friend who is splashed all over that revolting social media tabloid called Facebook. I am… Drama. And there’s no room for that.

So out I go back into the softball pitch and wait for everyone to be done picking their players so I can go where I was unwanted but stuck with. And I wait my turn to step on the plate and with burp-like satisfaction make that bat sing in a way that sends the ball high into the night so it never comes back.

Because I don’t want it back. I don’t want to play this shitty game and I don’t want a best friend anymore. I think I will eat alone and sleep alone a while longer because it is simpler, and there is no struggle with what is. On some days I can pretend it doesn’t even hurt anymore.

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137 Comments Add yours

  1. Shobha says:

    I am sending you a big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too!(hugs) πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. D says:

    Oh dear. I remember those tickets from the tangible memory tumblr.
    *hugs*

    Like

  3. Jay says:

    I could feel each and every word. Somewhere I felt, I was reading my story.
    Just to let you know whenever I feel lonely or hopeless, I read your blogs. Your words have a calming effect on my soul.
    I have a feeling you are a Leo. You have to be.

    Like

    1. mentalexotica says:

      I am a Leo. Much love. xx

      Like

    2. The Laughable Cheese says:

      woah apparently she was. good catch.

      Like

    3. jessconroyy says:

      Insane how you knew!

      Like

  4. M. says:

    I am in my early 20’s, I guess too young to be cynical enough not to believe in “best friendship” kind of stuff. Yet I sit here, ‘friendless’ albeit the happy one. What I’ve come to realize is that everyone in the world has their own philosophy of friendship. Mine doesn’t run parallel with others’, I have made peace with. I therefore keep trying to find joy in this party of one. I have yet no idea what I’m gonna do when I reach my 40’s.

    That softball team part, haha, I could feel myself there!
    So many feels! This blog of yours made my day! Thank you.

    Like

    1. J. Sander says:

      Are you me?

      Like

  5. kelsydemelo says:

    😦 losing friends can be hard to deal with. I shared a similar struggle a while back: http://respectthyselfie.com/2014/04/30/mean-girls/ Hang in there!!

    Like

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. It is a loss. Give yourself time to grieve.

    Like

  7. I was never popular or chosen first for team sports either. I also admit it has seemed difficult to sustain close friendships with other women since leaving high school and college. However, with a job, family and child, I guess I haven’t had a lot of time to worry too much about it.

    I guess my only bit of “advice” would be to try, if you haven’t, to join some groups which fit your interests. You’re obviously a good writer. Maybe you could join a writers’ group and make some new contacts. Also maybe try not to put so much hope and energy into any particular connection. You might go to lunch with someone who doesn’t turn out to be a “best friend” but who is a fun person to hang out with every once in awhile.

    Btw, just for the record, outside of family and group friends, I’d say my “best friend” right now isn’t a woman at all, but a gay guy I work with.

    Good luck, and keep your chin up! You have much to offer!

    Like

  8. Yeop Azman says:

    Well written. Most go through that. Just had a conversation about this last night.

    Like

  9. hoping you find another, or be happy with you

    Like

  10. deideiboltz says:

    Your post really hits home. I had best friends in high school and college, but something always happened to tear us apart. Now as an adult, I struggle to find “true” friendships as a result of my trust issues. Currently, I am watching my two young daughters go through the whole mess. My oldest is the kindest girl ever, but she does not fit the “popular” category or mold. So, she is left out quite a bit. My youngest, on the other hand, is grouped with girls who thrive on drama. There is never an ounce of peace amongst her group. So, I live this over and over again every day times THREE! It is discouraging. I pray to God each day for all three of us to just find ONE SOLID friend. We don’t need a village, just one. Hang in there, and keep the faith. πŸ™‚

    DEIDEI

    Like

    1. adogbark says:

      YEAH ONE SOLID FRIEND. WHOM WE CAN GIVE OUR MIND AND SOUL TO. WHO WILL PAMPER IT.

      Like

  11. kismet says:

    There is much joy in being your best friend ❀❀ and a handful of imaginary friends

    Like

  12. Palsify says:

    hey,
    Its sad that you didn’t get to enjoy the perks of friendship, but giving up hope is not what I would do. Next time you may get lucky. I’ve been blessed with the world’s best friends so I can tell you friendship is the best thing that can happen to anyone, only finding true love can come close to what a best friend can bring. And I am not one of those “popular” people so you can take it from me!

    Lots of love to you.

    Like

  13. Palsify says:

    I would like to really thank you, you just inspired me to write on friendship. Do check it out when I post, it may restore your faith………….

    Like

  14. mummy says:

    Loved your writing, could feel the sadness pour through the whole piece. sending you a lot of love and support. Write more, I look forward to reading you heal through your writing

    Like

  15. amlakyaran says:

    very nice post…

    Like

  16. Hi, I am Danyealah and I am a young writer/blogger/poet. I too have had my share of broken friendships. In fact, I wrote a post last week titled, “Ghost of Friendships Past,” about my journey through life with people that have been everything but friends. I enjoyed reading your post and wish you the best.

    Like

  17. telitru says:

    The perfect friend or best friend is an illusion to some extent. Our best friends are often not known or recognized, like the policeman who stops you from having an accident because you were driving way to fast or the person helps us to see our own errors. Many people in your community are praying for you; you will never know them, yet they are concerned about you today and for all eternity.

    Like

    1. The Laughable Cheese says:

      Yes I agree with you. I find I do not have a best friend, but just living life I find that people everywhere do care.

      Like

    2. cccarlene says:

      I love this comment.

      Like

      1. telitru says:

        I am very glad.

        Like

  18. Romil Kumar says:

    Everything happens for a reason….people who chose not to be part of our lives serve as a medium for growth of the soul.

    Like

  19. magicmerlot says:

    Wow, I have had some experiences like yours & I don’t do the best friend thing either. You lost someone, give yourself time to grieve, & be good to yourself, especially that. I hope it helps you to know you’re not the only person who has experienced this, you’re not alone & lots of love x

    Like

  20. Sounds like there are a lot of people out there who don’t know what they are missing, namely an obviously intelligent and feeling human being ( insert your name here). I’ve had similar experiences myself, such is life

    Like

  21. I remember being the last unchosen kid. That was a long time ago. But something stayed with me. I learned to be alone and love it. And I learned to make friends to. Friends who do not go away. πŸ˜‰

    Like

  22. Sounds familiar. I’ve spend a lot of time analyzing and realizing.

    What I’ve come to realize is that “weird” is what any group calls people who are different than them. I’ve learned that their strict adherence to narrow membership qualifications is more about fear than value. They are just as afraid of being unloved as the next person so they set up an artificial hierarchy that they can control to feel a little bit safe. Translation: if you can’t feel better on the inside, you can tell everybody on the outside they suck worse than you.

    The punchline is, their hierarchy only works if you agree to play along and feel rejected. If you dismiss their rules and set up your own, they are immobilized. If you ignore their judgment, scorn, and rejection and are happy–especially if you are happy right in their face–the tables are turned. Now, the group is called Satisfaction and they are the ones on the outside.

    I used to lament not having a bevy of “besties” to hang with until I realized what would be expected of me if I accepted that role. Hell, I don’t do ANY of the stereotypical things women bond over: I don’t drink much, I don’t patronize Starbucks, I don’t go on shopping binges, I loathe noisy street fairs, rock concerts, and large, sticky movie theaters, I don’t text, I don’t watch television, I don’t follow celebrities, I don’t follow fashion (preferring to design and make my own clothes based loosely on traditional Japanese and Indian styles), I don’t paint my nails, I eschew weddings, I rarely wear jewelry, I don’t stay up past ten very often, I keep my health issues and bedroom adventures to myself, I’m not a dog person, I don’t knit or scrapbook, I don’t want to hear about anyone’s children, and I am a scorching atheist.

    Yet, somehow I manage to laugh my ass off ten times more than anyone I know on a daily basis. If I exist, there are others. We’ll find each other when the timing’s right.

    Like

    1. clearhaven says:

      This reply is so on point

      Like

  23. I agree – it’s a false concept that forces a kind of dynamic that only makes sense if you are 12 years old

    Like

  24. *hugs* you’re lovely
    πŸ™‚

    Like

  25. Beautifully written.

    Like

  26. yaronzeevik says:

    i disagree I was a lonesome kid and always I had this one friend that I could lean on. it’s a great power between folks without the same “blood” origin

    Like

  27. Those people you thought you could share your world with soon become the ones who make you feel like you have no world

    Like

  28. Charl says:

    Don’t give up; there is that ‘best friend’ girl out there for you; and when you do find her; you’ll thank god you waited 40 years for that friend! I was fortunate to find that friend when I was 19 ; even that seemed a long time coming; but I would wait another 40 If I knew someone like her was going to come along; she’s amazing! I promise some one is out there; in the mean time stay strong and be proud of being a strong and independent woman!

    Like

  29. LaVagabonde says:

    Oh, I know this so, so well. I used to be so desperate for friends that I attracted parasites. And I tolerated them. It took a long time to learn how to value myself. I sincerely hope you get to that point one day. Warmest wishes to you.

    Like

  30. lucasshimoda says:

    Like the other people here in the comments, I felt quite touched buy the way you approach solitude and that awkward taste of being left behind by a best friend with no reason. I also share this feeling that loneliness can have many flavours. At least to me, it’s been more bitter than anything else. Like you, quietness pleases me well, but somehow I wished it’d feel less like being forgotten and unwanted

    Like

  31. Melanie says:

    Wordless weekends. Oh wow, can I ever identify with that. More often than not, I don’t speak between 5pm Friday and 8am Monday, because unless I talk to myself, there’s no one to talk to. I’m 36. I’ve never really had a best friend, at least not since grade school. There have been a few almosts here and there, but mostly I think I’m a place-keeper for people who are between friends and have a spot to fill for the time being.

    Like

  32. Charlie says:

    Just lost who I thought was of the closest I ever experienced to being best friends. Why? I started making my own decisions and seeing myself as an equal in the friendship, instead of relying on the mentor/pupil or older brother/younger brother dichotomy (they helped me since I cam out of a seriously abusive relationship, so yes at one time I needed a mentor to help me recover). Once I started going from being someone passive and soft-spoken to someone more assertive, they didn’t seem to like it. And when I finally said no to something in particular, it blew the one bullistic. I don’t need drama. And when I look for friends, I am looking for equals, not another mentor. Their spouse said the reason I had “no friends” was because I am an impatient person. Nope. I don’t have MANY friends because I prefer quality over quantity. And people who insist I will never find a friend as good as them have an inferiority complex to work out, and truly are not the best of friends.

    Like

  33. Very nicely written. Its true. Ive recently got a divorce after 5 years and it ended terribly. Luckily im engaged now but sometimes I wonder on the fact that we were born alone and we will die alone. So no one really exists in this world that you can bank on or call your own. Were all alone.

    Like

  34. I know exactly how u feels… its good to see that the world has a common connection. I look up to as a mirror of truth so be proud of urself and hats off for sharing ur personal life. I learnt alot coz of my friends and today ur post made me learned some more on life so a big thank u.

    Like

  35. clearhaven says:

    Oh my goodness, I am currently in this phase of my life.

    I like to watch from my bedroom window random groups/pair of girls walking together and chuckling as they pass by. It’s not only endearing to watch, but reminds me of something I used to have, and have lost. Something I hope to find again.

    To be honest, I know I will, it just seems I may not because of the kind of females I see often. I am not a fashion person. I am into spirituality, so it’s something I would like to talk about freely with my ‘bestie’ and not be called ‘deep’ or ‘weird’. I don’t like talking about boys/men all the time. I would like to have a conversation with a friend that will not dwell throughout it’s duration on male territory. Once in a while it’s interesting but when it’s done all the time, it’s just terrible.

    I hate to gossip, and I hate when I am in a position to have to join in. I love the idea of love, but I do not like to dwell on the topic of relationships and marriages. I love looking good, but I am not a fanatic of it. Basically the latest makeup ideas are not my thing.

    So I really do understand where you’re coming from. What I do now is try to be open and friendly to everyone. No strings attached. In the end, I look at the bright side that I get to spend some alone time by myself. I know the time will come, but I feel that Life is giving me an opportunity to discover and develop myself. I won’t waste it.

    Just try to be a good friend, even if it’s that kind of friend that people only call when they have problems. Looking from a negative perspective, you’ll feel you’re being used but from a positive view – think of yourself as an angel πŸ˜€

    Like

  36. sorry to ear such bad news i would be sick without my bestfriend

    Like

  37. lunix1583 says:

    I’m no longer looking for that “best friend” because they already have their own. I just let friends become great ones in their own time – it happens, but not that often!

    Like

  38. Volunteering always led me to meet some incredible people. When you work together for a common cause, you bond. Might be something to look into, and what an amazing reward to help someone, or some cause.

    Like

  39. I lost my bestfriend (of 22 years) last year (or, rather, she left). I feel your pain. I understand the whole being alone thing, too. It sucks. And one day I guess I won’t care so much either.

    Like

  40. Hello. Freshly Pressed got me here. I hope more people find and read this. You expressed yourself very well.

    Like

  41. Wow!!! Hugs and prayers coming your way. We were never created to be alone, much less FEEL alone. I am sorry for your loss, but stay the course. Your support system is somewhere along this journey called life. Let people in. You are a wonderfully created human being.

    Like

  42. godtisx says:

    Honestly I think humans are selfish and don’t listen or pay attention very well. Everyone wants to ‘get something out of’ whoever they are friending, and as long as they get that, they pay very little attention to the rest. In addition to this, folks tend never to value those they can’t determine the wealth to gain in. It’s all about gain, except for the select few who actually have friends they like because of who they are? In my opinion, few people are actually there with each other, cept this variety or a derivative. So even if you have friends, they rarely last a lifetime – concluding usually in some painfully dishonorable way. Even if it be neglect. I admire your honesty, really admire your resilience in a world that defines quality in terms of connections to some extent.

    I don’t buy it myself, things change. People change and bonds end. Some begin.

    Not a stable affair. Inner fortitude and connection where and when it is encouraged (family/professional) is a better bet IMO.

    Like

  43. kristineannmfernandez says:

    I am about to turn 21 and for the past four years I am sort of feeling what you are feeling. I can totally relate to it. Although I do have a best friend (since kindergarten and we haven’t seen each other for five years but we still communicate), I can relate this to my group of friends. They seem to just come and go. I am the type who values relationships so much that I’ll do everything just to help them. Because I don’t quickly make friends, I feel like when I don’t have a purpose to them anymore or they are already tired of my views and principles… The next thing I know… I become a complete stranger to them.

    Like

  44. hybusiness says:

    wow.,my blog hybusiness.net

    Like

  45. mystory91 says:

    Everything happens for a reason. We may not always understand why, but only time will tell. You “best friend” is waiting for the right time to come into your life. I too know what it feels like, to loose someone that you thought would never leave your life. And be called, “drama” No room for such in my life anymore…. pssshhhh please. You’re not drama. You are peace. πŸ™‚

    If you’re Christian or religious, I will say, find a friend in God. It always starts there. He will never leave you, abandon you, or hurt you. And you can always trust in Him and count on Him all the time.

    People come and go in our lives, God will always be there. Keep your head up, and keep smiling sweetheart.!!!!

    Like

  46. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed, although it doesn’t appear that your blog needed the boost.

    Like

  47. ipsatrivedi says:

    Hey, I loved your post! Somewhere I could relate to your story. Even I’ve had my share of failed friendships. But don’t loose hope. Who knows what’ll happen next. Probably this happened because a better and successful friendship is waiting for you. Till then wait for the best and express and share as much as you can because that’ll help your heart heal! πŸ™‚

    Like

  48. hi75pa says:

    I totally relate with this; I feel you.

    Like

  49. minnealaskan says:

    I truly feel ya!

    Like

  50. jemalminiana says:

    Reblogged this on Jem Alminiana's Blog and commented:
    It kinda reflect my life. Been always the awkward addition to a happy twosome. Except the part that today I have my quirky bestfriend that I hope will never last. πŸ™‚

    Like

  51. Prince says:

    Reblogged this on LanreBlog and commented:
    Best Friend is Another Word for Nobody

    Like

  52. Fiya'Says says:

    I’m 17. But since my childhood I’ve been dealing with the same issues. It really hurts to see every teen enjoying her life and partying like crazy except me. Life isn’t fair.

    Like

  53. Follow and like us please!

    Like

  54. I’m sixteen and the way my life is going, I fear this may be me later…

    Like

  55. hey…nice read…hugs again!

    Like

  56. sinthuri says:

    hey..it was a good read..it was like reading about my own self.. i am a person being left out all the time.. it maybe a group of three or even a bigger group.. i have no one to call ‘My Friend’. They all find out some reason to get away from me. now i have come to a point where I think , this is how life is, its better to be off limits for friendship. I am more happy this way now. I am sending big big hugs to you. Love your simple way of expressing thoughts.

    Like

  57. solemhope says:

    I’ve rode this roller coaster and it sucks. Mine lasted longer then a few years, but it was hard to have them just disappear. It’s even harder looking back and realizing we were mostly only friends because of what I could do for her. I wanted a friend in school though and I was willing to ‘help’ with her homework and bail her out of shit. It ended though and it hurt. It still does at times, but I didn’t give up that somewhere there were people who would like me.

    I got lucky and found friends and my husband in England. I know it is hard and it feels terrible but don’t stop looking. A lot of people are cruel but there are some rare gems who will see the person you are and the person you will become. They won’t see you as last pick and they won’t forget about you.

    I hope you find them soon and that you can find like I did that it was worth that wait and heartache. *hugs*

    Like

  58. I was there as a kid until I moved to Orange County, California as a teen and then things changed. They changed to a better life and friends. I am sorry you did not have that.

    Like

  59. KSA says:

    How about another (just a) friend? *holds out her hand*

    Like

  60. amlakyaran says:

    very nice post.. thanks

    Like

  61. blueneely says:

    Sometimes it is better to be alone than to be surrounded by people that are your so called “friends” but bring nothing but drama to your life. I a couple of years ago “broke up” with a friend who I had known for over ten years! since grade 11. As difficult as it was and knowing that I don’t have too many friends nearby, i decided that i could no longer handle the passive aggressive drama she brought to my life. It has been two years since we last spoke but today i am better for it.

    Like

  62. bliss steps says:

    ~ I completely agree with you. For me, a best friend is just two f*cking words. I am happy that the best friend thingy worked for other people, it is just that at one point or another, it didn’t work for me. Many people would just call you best friend but none of them actually justifies it. I appreciate a true friend more who is not my so-called best friend but acts like a brother/sister/best friend to me. Just for the record, some of my true friends who considered me as their best friend, are the ones I considered my sisters. They’re my own and at first they find it funny that I don’t even mention that two fucking words for some decades now. Even though they’re my friends, they are the ones I consider my sisters, more than best friends. Btw, congrats on being FP! You wrote such a lovely article. Cheers! πŸ™‚ – Bliss, The Lurker’s List

    Like

  63. Jessie Henry says:

    Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one who looks around and says “hey, what the hell?” I’m not the only one who can’t figure out what that thing is that all the other chicks are doing. I’ve been in therapy and struggling to join groups and meet people and feel like an idiot that I just can’t make a connection with anyone. I’m married, but that’s not the same as having a girl to talk to. Almost all of my friendships have ended in a mess, and their other friends, family and significant others were all insanely jealous of me. I’m not sure I really know what friendship is, but I thank you for telling me that it doesn’t make me defective.

    Like

  64. epicre says:

    Best Friend is Another Word for Nobody

    Like

  65. I feel this way as well- I’m 43. I have my bouts of close friends and then something happens. Truth is it’s a lot of work– work that I guess I’m just not all that interested in. It’s not that I don’t enjoy doing all that best friend stuff- but I can only do it for so long. Are you an only child? Well I guess take comfort in that you are not alone and your writing made me feel less weird so thank you.

    Like

  66. Desire says:

    This is a heartfelt post, so lovely.

    Sometimes you have to sweep some people in your life right out of the back door to make way for amazing and wonderful things to enter your life!

    Like

  67. Andy says:

    Your choice if words are wonderful, powerful and saddening. Hang in there. Thanks for posting. At least in blogger land you never eat live alone as “we” are always listening. -Andy.

    Like

  68. priancaz says:

    it was so true and heart touching …. evry word was so deep and sesitive
    beautifull written !!

    Like

  69. This is exactly how I feel. I’ve given up on the idea of having a best friend. It just wasn’t meant to be.

    Like

  70. C.M. Crabtree says:

    You aren’t alone and as much as it seems everyone else has a best friend or that TV/movie relationship, I don’t actually think they do. I felt like this article was something I could have written, I’ve felt that way many times. I tried to change myself, the way I talked, what I talked about, how I dressed, etc. to try to make friends and it never worked. I’m starting to realize that the few people in life with true friends are the ones who are themselves completely and totally (so freaking hard – I’ve yet to accomplish that). They make a lot of enemies but they also make friends, true friends. I’m still on the road to figuring it out but it helps to know I’m not alone on that road, that others are trying to figure it out too.

    Like

  71. velvetmp says:

    Arg. Clearly with all the support you got here you have people that see you and really like your soul. You can’t beat that with a stick

    Like

  72. tisfortea says:

    Whilst I can’t relate to your situation, I found your post to be well-written and incredibly moving – beautiful work. As many of the other commenters have said, I am sending you love and happiness – you’re never alone.

    Like

  73. lizard100 says:

    Hmmm I experienced your post with you. Then I read the comments too. I’m not so sure about the ‘you will find… ‘ threads or the empathy threads.
    For me I’ve learned that life and friendship is an illusion. There’s a cereal packet view of how our life’s are ‘supposed’ to be.
    Unfortunately I think it means that learning to be comfortable with who we are, and not assuming the contribution of others is necessary, if possible, can really help. There are many people who are isolated (not lonely) as a result of modern life. Grow your own contentment.

    Like

  74. bellamy41 says:

    perfectly spoken

    Like

    1. bellamy41 says:

      u are truly alone. thake it to heart. every situation will show u

      Like

  75. Beautifully written.

    Like

  76. I’ve never had a best friend and always wanted one. Perhaps your post will remind me that maybe cats are the way for me.

    Like

  77. wjhx says:

    omg 😦 *gives e-hug*

    Like

  78. ditchthebun says:

    I used to think on the fact that I had a few close girlfriends, but none I would consider my best friend, none that fit the total bill that you are talking about anyways. It took me awhile to realise that I actually had two best friends that I hadn’t considered in the running, my Mum and my Husby, both of them finish my sentences, anticipate needs and regularly have me laughing so hard I am snorting and crying simultaneously. I think this best friend thing is different for everyone because everyone has different needs, a different tick-list if you will of what needs to be met to consider someone for best friend status.
    I really hope you find what you are looking for, whether it be a best friend or something that satisfies you in a way you never thought of which makes you forget all about looking for a best friend πŸ™‚

    Like

  79. This entire post seems so painfully familiar. Growing up, I was the neglected middle child. I never screamed for attention from my parents. At school, I tried to be more outspoken. I cracked jokes whenever I saw the opportunity, because just hearing one person laugh meant that someone was actually listening to me. During gym I was always picked last for sports. I wasn’t very coordinated, so I couldn’t really blame them, but it still stung. I grew up thinking “What’s with me?” I became the disposable friend, the one that people would only hang out with outside of their usual friend group and usually that would only last a couple of weeks or so. As I grew older, I became more quiet and more reserved. I’ve put all of my thoughts to paper. I can’t tell you the last time that I’ve actually spoken my mind. The silence can be somewhat maddening, but it’s comforting to know that I don’t have to impress many people other than myself.

    Like

  80. daphers101 says:

    This is something that I understand all to well. Yes, I would rather be alone but in a way we are not alone because there are so many of us that wait in line waiting to be picked to be on the team. I’m so happy someone finally wrote about the loneliness and flip side of friendship. Just incredibly written.

    Like

  81. adogbark says:

    going through all of this and more. wanted to let some steam out. so working on a blog right now.

    This friend with whom i spent so much of my 2013, now he doesn’t even want to acknowledge my existence.

    it has broken me a lot. i am in tremendous pain. i have been fighting with him all the time. he is busy working or living his life while i have forgotten to live mine, because i had made him a big part of my life. and the worst part is lack of backup for me. i find no peace in work. not more friends either.

    its when u run out of choices i believe.

    I never have felt earthquake of this magnitude in my life. for him probably the friendship has faded in contrast of something more exciting. maybe another person or activity. or maybe i need him too much for him.

    or maybe i offended him too much.

    Like

  82. adogbark says:

    fighting the fight and waiting for it all to make some sense.

    Like

  83. A beautiful writing, thank you,

    Like

  84. Desi Tiffani says:

    You just have not found your best friend, there is, trust me. If a person can’t be your friend, there is God, he would be very happy to be your friend

    Like

  85. Wow! As much as this post tugs at the heart, I must admit I truly enjoyed reading your words. I noticed an older comment stating that you are a Leo. I am one as well and am all too familiar with your misfortune in the “Best Friend” department. Keep your head up! Us Leo’s always bounce back! πŸ™‚

    Like

    1. mentalexotica says:

      Tabitha, I am not made for bouncing.

      Like

  86. anisaleyahali says:

    I’m new to this and this is the first i have come across and loved would appreciate if you checked my first post thank you x

    Like

  87. The Laughable Cheese says:

    I know this feeling.

    Like

  88. jazseph says:

    Reading this blog reminds me of my high school bestfriends…we were very close and have each others back.. i treated them as my brother’s and sister’s… but when we reach college i was separated with them.. they studied in different college but most of them at the same college.. i on the other hand step in alone and took up engineering… it was then that i realize how lonely and boring to go their without even a best friend to lean on…. i really feel you! πŸ™‚

    Like

  89. dieradiera says:

    HUGS RAWR

    Like

  90. I can feel every word you stated. I cut off a relationship with a supposedly best friend and it was the best thing that happened. I realized that she was really not a friend. I would suggest you be yourself and don’t look for a friend. It will happen when the time is right. B

    Like

  91. motherfudgelover says:

    Nearing 40, as well. After 20 years of being apart from my high school best friend, we’re still not speaking much. I miss her. I miss us. I’ve realized I’m better off without a friend. We’ve both grown, changed and don’t “get” each other. It seems sad, but I don’t want to have to explain myself, my ways and my choices and… neither does she, I’m sure. We’re a different breed of a different breed, extremely rare individuals who are better off alone.

    Like

  92. Reblogged this on The Island of Misfit Toys and commented:
    Yes.

    Like

  93. cccarlene says:

    What an interesting post to read. I feel for you. But not in a ‘bad’ way, I too, am a loner! I don’t consider myself to have a best friend. I can count my friends on one hand. But I prefer It that way. Your post was brilliant to read. And totally relatable.

    Like

  94. Jen G says:

    Dude…get the flock out of my head. I am going through the exact same thing. (Well, not really with the being alone part as I’m married with 4 kids but still….) You’ve gotten a lot of responses so I’ll make this short for ya … it’s how I roll.
    l’ve always made fast friends…friends I click with and I devote my time and energy into doing anything to help them or make them happy. I guess I was trying to bribe them into become my BFF. I have had a few girls but shit…as you age, relationships either grow with you or grow apart. Here I sit, almost 40, and my best friend is my husband who happens to be the only one able to stand me for almost 12 years. Everyone else leaves and I’ve never had this BFF reciprocating thing…it’s always me giving until they find someone else more exciting. They get new friends and intentionally or not, they rub it in on social media sites (the ones you didn’t even know they had … )
    Anyway, thanks for sharing. Sharing is caring. πŸ˜‰ I feel you and I can relate sista, I can relate.
    j.

    Like

  95. N. says:

    Wow, that really hit home. I officially lost my best friend a couple of weeks ago (by official I clearly mean defriending and blocking on Facebook). You always feel like you’e the only one to feel a certain way, that is until you go online. Thank you for sharing. N.

    Like

  96. OSAIDism says:

    A nice post .. partly looks my story..
    Be your best friend.. be the one you want to be with.

    Like

  97. randommy says:

    Like many other people, who have commented before me, I too can relate to your story. I am only 21 so I haven’t totally given up on finding a “bestfriend”. I think I have a different understanding of what bestfriends are supposed to be or maybe the fact that I have this idea of how bestfriends are supposed to be that ruins my chance of having a real bestfriend. I’ve had about three or four different “bestfriends” and all those friendships have ended. I find myself pretending I don’t care, but in reality I really do care and I care a lot. After each friendship ended I found myself questioning myself; “what did I do? Where did I go wrong? What is wrong with me?”. At this time I don’t blame myself anymore. I was never the “popular girl” even though I always wanted to be and sometimes I still do. I no longer look for a bestfriend, I think if I’m meant to have a bestfriend to giggle with and all those other girly things then it will happen. If not, then it won’t. I try to let life just flow now, not expecting much so I’m disappointed much. I loved how you worded your story and I loved the baseball metephor as well… even if I didn’t relate to the actual story I would relate to the metephor.

    Like

  98. The Rambling Pelican says:

    Wow, this blog is pretty much how I feel about friendships. I’ve had 4 best friends in my life and they’ve all drifted away for one reason or another over time. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, or you for that matter, I just think we’re the type of people that people need to get to the next stage in their lives. Although it sucks you should take it as a compliment of sorts as without you they wouldn’t have gotten to where they are and, although they probably will never realise it, we played our role successfully. One day I hope that somebody does come into my life and they become ‘the one’ in friendship terms and me being part of their life is the final stage, but until then, I wait. I think you’re almost there.

    Like

  99. Ana says:

    I’d lie if I said that reading this has not made me tearful. I can relate, more than I would wish to admit…

    Like

  100. Beautiful and heartfelt post. Thank you.

    Like

  101. Don’t worry there is someone out there that will really fits you. Someone. I’ve been there.

    Like

  102. frankregan17 says:

    I was good at sports but still ended up picked last – and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older – just had a similar experience with the loss of a friend…just got to keep on going I guess.

    Like

  103. sorayajan says:

    I think it’s sad that I can relate so well to you and you’re twice my age. I think my life is going to be like yours. I’m introverted, so I don’t go around making friends, and whenever someone happens into my life, he/she never stays there long enough. We always drift apart.

    Like

  104. Chokey says:

    I am sorry for your Loss

    Like

  105. Yes, social media stinks…

    Like

  106. thank you for sharing πŸ™‚ life will be better tomorrow πŸ™‚

    Like

  107. If it is any comfort to you I am as lost and disconnected as you and on top of that I’m trying to deal with bipolar & it does stink to not have friends however, there is always family do you have any family nearby? I’m just brainstorming…I wish you all the best and you are more than welcome to blog me anytime like I said I don’t have any friends either…I think it’s just the world we live in

    Like

  108. Maria says:

    I am saying it to you now… I am your FRIEND. After all, One can be Happy being Alone. I am happy being ALONE. ALONE but not Lonely πŸ˜‰

    Like

  109. Alana Martin says:

    Chin up. Not only will your independence pay off in the long run, your lack of dependence on others will leave you wide open for a true friend. Someone that you can have all of those things with. I think we all get one true soul mate. Never lose hope.

    Like

  110. stdrea8 says:

    This basically sums up my life right now. I’m always alone, and every time I think I have a best friend or even just a friend, they leave. It’s tiring and exhausting and sometimes I think maybe I am just better off alone. There’s no difference anymore.

    Like

  111. stdrea8 says:

    Reblogged this on Not Your Average Blog… Or Is It? and commented:
    Basically describes all my relationships

    Like

  112. I find glimpses of me in you. Hello, friend. πŸ™‚

    Like

  113. Reblogged this on waterdewdrops and commented:
    It mirrors me.

    Like

  114. OKNO WORLD says:

    You can find a best friend in 5 min, and it can be a person you’ve never heard before who can do things for you that nobody did before, just a matter of luck…

    Like

  115. monavixen66 says:

    Reblogged this on monavixen66 and commented:
    My friendships stay closer to me than most things

    Like

  116. carolmaruta says:

    I truly understand and feel your words. It’s hard for people like us to give everything we have (friendship, loyalty, caring, whatever you may call it) expecting just a little bit in return but keep waiting, waiting, waiting instead…
    Life has taught me that we should stick to our beliefs and ourselves, keep just the important ones nearby, expect the less possible from others that we believe that in a certain time period fit in the concept of “best friends”. The best friend one can ever have is its self i guess, the others will play just the part they are supposed to

    Like

  117. amycnb777 says:

    I feel like those words are mine! I’m even used to the looks people give me while eating alone in a restaurant.

    Like

  118. How about instead of best friend, let’s just go with most awesome blogger? Because this entry’s raw emotional beauty tore me up in a good way. LOVE IT!

    Like

  119. ROBERTA says:

    WOW..WELL I CAN SAY THIS MUCH FOR A BFF….IN A WOMANS LIFETIME YOU WILL LIKELY ONLY FIND ONE MAYBE TWO WOMEN WHO WILL PROVE THAT THERE ARE SOME GOOD PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I ALWAYS GOT ALONG BETTER WITH BOYS/GUYS BUT IVE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE ONLY 1 GIRLFRIEND STILL OVER 20 YEARS LATER SHE IS THE BEST FRIEND A GIRL COULD ASK FOR. SHES MY DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH.

    Like

  120. Silently existing is lonely. Thank God for blogs. Now we can whisper πŸ™‚

    Like

  121. Palsify says:

    Just so you know. There is somebody out there who will love you like you deserve to be loved. Very real. This article prompted me to write. Thank you. Do reply.
    http://magicsplash.wordpress.com/2014/09/03/that-thing-called-friendship/

    Like

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