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Now they say Facebook can cause asthma attacks.
Just like how Twitter causes syphilis because everyone’s fucking everyone over.

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In bed with a travel value pack of Gummi Bears. My standards have hit an all time low.
It used to be nothing less than Mini Milka Bars once.

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Quite possibly, every answer in the world today owes its existence to the fundamental question, ‘What the fuck?!’

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I’m tweeting like a fiend tonight. My head is buzzing & my fingers fly furiously across the QWERTY… WHY AM I NOT MASTURBATING?

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Facebook’s privacy clause is a lot like… well, Santa.

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Caesar lay stabbed on the floor bleeding to death when he saw Brutus standing before him, dressed in a beige toga.
Said Caesar, “Ecru, Brute?”

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I refuse to be hard on myself. The people in my life don’t need the competition.

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Chocolate is the new sex.
At least that’s how I justify the fridge in the bedroom.

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It is my theory that the usability of a public toilet is inversely proportionate to the fullness of your bladder.

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