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I’m an open book. That book is banned in 17 countries.

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To all the sane, sorted individuals who claim to have no self-esteem issues:
please join Facebook and shut the fuck up.

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My most effective pick up lines usually have something to do with the retrieval of dropped things. Yes, this is why I’m single.

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You can safely assume things aren’t working out when you say ‘sleep with me’ and they hear ‘sure, I love stand up comedy’.

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We must draw the line at this EMI lifestyle somewhere.
Three loo visits since 7 am has me believing that I am crapping in instalments.

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With so much pubic hair, it’s unfair to pay only for a Brazilian.
So I usually leave a tip the size of South America.

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I’m going to bed, because you know, we’ve discussed this and the bed will not come to me.
And anyway this mountains & Muhammad business is way overrated.

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We all know this Eid is to commemorate Abraham’s sacrifice of Ishmael.
But then I see today’s kids and all I can say is spare the goats.

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Prince Will and Kate will soon get down doing the hustle in an epic repeat of a 3-decade old fiasco.
All I’m waiting for is some old chick to show up and really get this party started.

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When IBM sends me mail to say I’ve won a £1 million Gmail considers it SPAM, but when the ex sends me hate mail it is escorted into my Priority Inbox. THANK YOU, GOOGLE.

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Well, I’m glad we can kick Australia’s ass on a cricket pitch.
Especially since we seem to be getting ours kicked by them off it.

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I can only only do one thing at a time.
Now is not a good time.
Later is not looking too good either.

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The building society has been on a cost cutting spree and we now have a one-eyed watchman.
Coincidence?

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