~

Marzipan is disgusting. It’s like the edible variant of marzipan.

~

I tried having phone sex the other night.
Not only is it very painful but now my phone isn’t speaking to me either.

~

Love Story is a crock of shit.
Had Erich Segal really been in love he’d know that all you’re ever doing is say you’re sorry.

~

A man walks into a bar… and says, ‘Ouch.’
Then Lindsay Lohan walks into a bar and then goes on to spend 2 weeks behind a whole bunch of them.

~

Someone said I reminded them of the comedian, Mr. Bean.
For one, that is not comedian but a legume. Two, it doesn’t even matter because they’re dead now.

~

My phone hangs so often I am surprised it didn’t come with a piece of rope and a fucking ceiling fan.

~

That’s it.
I’m going to bed now and just deal with this fucking insomnia in the morning.