The internet is a wonderful place to hang out. You can learn all sorts of things about just about anything under sun. Today I read an article called 10 Insulting Words You Should Know and learned some new words. Among them was ‘Bescumber. Bescumber is one of many words in the English language that mean ‘to spray with poo’. As if I knew.

I was disconcerted. Just how many do you need for one language? You’d think a word like this would not be frequented enough to necessitate similes but evidently, I know bollocks about poo spraying.

There’s another point: What sort of adult uses the word ‘poo’ when discussing fecal matter with another adult? It makes me feel like I’m 3 years old, in which case, I have no business reading this dirty article. The hell with that, at 3 I have no business reading. In fact, at 3, all I should be doing is pooping myself silly.

Never mind.

BESCUMBER (v)

Definition: To spray with poo.

Analysis: Actually bescumber is just one of many words in the English language that basically mean “to spray with poo”. These are: BEDUNG, BERAY, IMMERD, SHARNY, and the good ol’ SHITTEN. In special cases, you can use BEMUTE (specifically means to drop poo on someone from great height), SHARD-BORN (born in dung), and FIMICOLOUS (living and growing on crap).

Alternative: If that is too vulgar, you can use BEVOMIT and BEPISS, which meanings should be obvious to you, as well as BESPAWL (to spit on).

Oh, and if you want to say poo without looking like you’re saying it, you can use ORDURE, DEJECTION, and EXCRETA. To mean something more specific, you can use MECONIUM (first feces of a newborn child), MELAENA or MELENA (the abnormally tarry feces containing blood from gastrointestinal bleeding), LIENTERY (diarrhea with undigested or partially digested food), and STEATORRHEA (fatty stool that’s hard to flush down).

Here are some words along the same line that may one day prove to be useful for you: TURDIFY (turn into turd), COPROPHAGIA (eating of feces [wiki]), and COPROPHILIA (Think 2 Girls 1 Cup [wiki – don’t worry, SWF], if you don’t know what this is, I shan’t corrupt you any further).

Let’s end with these two amazing words COPREMESIS and MISERERE, both of which mean fecal vomiting. Yes, fecal vomiting. It’s a medical emergency caused by the obstruction of the bowel. ~

I think it is safe to conclude that the Queen’s English is well and truly full of shit. For those of you who want to read all 10 insults, the whole article can be found here. Some parts are so funny you could shit yourself.

OK, that wasn’t so funny.