To entwine your life with another’s means that the twists and turns of their life often determine the direction and trajectory of your own. So now that something has gone awry with R, it means my world is topsy turvy too. Now suddenly everything is questionable – job, home, money, relationship… all up in the air like badly juggled balls.
I hate uncertainty. I hate the not knowing, the hows and whens and whys. I hate waking up every morning wondering, ‘what’s going to happen today? Am I going to pull through? Will there be more tears? Or will I find that silver lining?’ One never knows until the day is done.
There is the sinking realisation I have always been something of an escapist. I have some ambitions- nothing too fancy or impossible. Leave this place. Start somewhere else. Do something different…But nothing ever happens so I remain in the somewhat safe space of wishing, but not having. Having brings with it so much responsibility. Change. Adjustment. Remodification. And more uncertainty. Because now you have that one thing you have wished for and that sends all else into utter chaos.
So all these new happenings have forced me to come face to face with some things about myself that I am not proud of: I am vague. I am fickle. I am a little bit of a coward. And that what I sometimes wish for and what I want are not necessarily the same things. And to me, that ambiguity is completely acceptable because there is a martyrish accent to not have something because you cannot and be perfectly content with the not having. When really, it might be because you do not want it all that much.
I wonder if there is something about wanting what you have or having what you want. And which one is preferable? I’d rather the former. It kind of dissolves all this wishing business and leaves you pretty content with all you’ve got and that seems just about right for me.