Time has passed us by but I don’t know if I have moved on. I think of you every day and the few friends I had to share my story with are no longer in that space with me. They don’t want to listen and by the by, I have stopped talking about it. So it fills up inside of me and empties itself as crying.
I wonder what you think. That I just left and moved on. That I never cared enough to stay. That all my words of love were lies. That I wasn’t strong enough. Or maybe you were just relieved that I did so that you didn’t have to. I remember so much of you and the time we spent together. I remember everything. The scent of Miracle on a woman brushing past me in the mall. Your overwhelming generosity. The flowers you used to send me with unsigned notes. The silly names we gave each other, the little songs, the tacky words, the way I sang to you and the way your hair fell across your face that made me ache with love for you.
Sometimes when it all gets unbearable I ask myself if leaving was the right thing to do. I had endured so much and yet, left on the spur of the most insignificant reason. I’d put up with worse, lived through more traumatic moments and yet one fine day when something snapped in my head I just walked away. “Just like that?”, you’d asked. Just like that. I don’t know what went on in my head then. I think my mind just went numb with the pain and I just reacted as if the script had been written for me.
Tears roll down.
I think of why and how you never looked back. How you never spoke to me again, or messaged or wrote. It only made me feel like I wasn’t worth a backward glance and you were only too happy to be rid of me. What else could I think? Then I ask myself, is this what you would have wanted? To live each day filled equally with love and fear? Not knowing when time would run out. Feeling your fears with you and being crippled by them. Living one day to the next with the uncertainty of when I would find you gone from my life. Every day was a struggle against life. Each week a battle, holding on to that grand idea of ‘us’ when in your eyes I saw the light going out bit by bit.
There is really so much to say but it’s all just the same old feelings with new words; sometimes not even that. It’s like an exam you will never pass, no matter how much you study. I go through it all in my head day after day, but I haven’t gotten over it. I haven’t been able to let this go and settle itself amidst the rubble of my past. It’s too soon and there are so many more tears to come.