'I'd just crawl from room to room, try to talk – all that comes out is crying.'

They tell me it is my pride that holds me back from calling. They say I am too hung up on my ego. Its laughable. What ego? I don’t even know what the word means.

Do you know why I am still sitting here in the dark cold silence? Because I am trying to save myself. It’s the first time I have ever tried to do that. It’s new. It’s scary. I don’t trust myself at all. But here I am fighting it out in my head all day and night, defying demons of self-doubt. I have no ally. I am my worst friend. My best enemy. Still I fight. Counting the time that has passed since the last word was said, since the last letter was typed in a text message, since the last laugh was heard, since the last ‘I love you’ was spoken.

Wondering if there will ever be an end in sight. Hoping and praying for respite. Thinking incessantly about why just this once I cannot be chosen over something or someone else. Why can I not be the right answer. Why am I just not worth it time and time again.

I have pink sticky notes all over the house. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of respect. I deserve to be loved. I will myself to live.

Lies. Each and every one of those fucking words. Lies from me to myself. But,

“I’m willing to try, isn’t that enough? I’m willing to try something that doesn’t come naturally to me? That I don’t understand…”