My horoscope also says that I have been preparing for what’s happening now in many ways. I suppose that is true in some ways. The light at the end of the tunnel has been getting dimmer by the day and I struggled to see where we were going. But it was comfortable to hold on. A familiar place, a warm space with a person I love. A person I adored beyond description.

‘Why rock the boat’, I’d ask myself. Things would happen as they would. Leave it to destiny. If I was going to have my heart broken yet again, so be it. That was the pattern of my life and love anyway. They come and they go. Suddenly. Without explanation. Invariably, I am a wreck. My head spirals out of control. My panic chokes me. The anxiety makes me want to hurt myself physically. Sometimes I end up in a hospital because I can’t control my mind. I’ve been through all that. It’s familiar territory so it’s no big deal if it happens again, right? We know the drill.

This is how much I love myself. This is how much self-respect I have. This is the extent of my self-preservation. Can I blame anyone for leaving me? If I had the courage to end my life, I would have left me a long time ago.

Let me tell you this, horoscope or not, no amount of preparation will ready you for a breaking heart. It will hurt every single time. And the more you love the more you have to lose. I am empty now. And poor. But I know no other way of loving. All I tried to do was save myself from drowning but I look at me and feel myself sinking. Struggling to breathe and then, just not fighting it anymore. Allowing myself to go under, letting the water enter my body and squeeze the last stretch of life out of me.

I keep telling God, let me go. Why won’t you let me go? I hate your life. I never wanted this.