it’s not that i wanted to leave. i had to. i would like to say i went so i could salvage some sense of pride. but i know where there is love, there is no room for pride. or even, self respect in my case.
i need you to know that i did not leave just to get your attention. i did not leave hoping that might make you hold me back (although i keep wishing that you had and wondering why you didn’t even try).
i left so i could stop hurting myself.
i left thinking of that door you kept reminding me of. the one that was always left open for me if i wanted out. in case i ever wanted to leave, there was nothing holding me back. no gun pointing at my head. but i was doing you no favours. i stayed because i loved you, whether you loved me back or not. and that will always remain true.
i remembered all those words and realised all at once that i had begun to matter and mean less to you than ever before.
i left because i didn’t want to be told to go. i left before that happened. and although it seems like the right thing to do, it still feels like cheating. why? because somewhere inside of me is the self-damaging voice that says i should have stayed until you threw me out of your life. until you broke me completely. until i was convinced yet again of how useless and unwanted i am by everything and everyone i have ever cherished.
so, i want to say i am sorry i took that away from you. i am sorry i tried to save myself just this once in my whole life.
i am sorry i chose to live because i know it will mean so little without you anyway.