So much of nothing still left unsaid

I am beginning this note with an ‘I love you’ because it is what holds true even now in our darkest times. I don’t know if you understand or even want to know why I did what I did. I was falling apart in this relationship. I had so much to give and wanted you to have it all. But somewhere, I felt something shift from your side. I was not a priority, or at least I didn’t feel like I was.

I had insecurities too. There were times I asked you to pay attention to them because they were hurting but you chose not to. I just wanted to be understood and accepted. I needed you to respect my feelings because my fears were drowning me. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or demanding, I promise. I just really needed you.

Did I ask for too much? I wanted loyalty, a little respect, some regard for what I was feeling, a little importance in your long list of life priorities… I needed to feel that in the many days and miles that sat between us, indefinitely. I asked so many times that by the end, it felt like begging. My panic heightened each time I sensed indifference in your voice. My anxiety would rocket out of control. I had no self-respect left. I had lost myself in the constant need for your reassurance and attention and I was afraid I would soon be losing you.

You know I was prepared to go through anything for you, for us to work. Months or even years apart from you just to make our elusive togetherness real one day. You were the dream, the ‘for ever’. The one I wanted to grow old with, the one I wanted at my bedside when I drew my last breath. It was just always you, K. And even when you reminded me that I could have left any time I wanted, I didn’t. I could not, because you can let go of dreams but you can’t let go of that which gives you the love for life.

Right now I don’t know what is happening in the world outside. Some assassination. Some political drama. Some dying in the freezing cold. God knows. I don’t care. I cry day and night. I am barely surviving. Not eating. Sleeping 12, 14 hours a day. Escaping. Forgetting. Trying to cry it all out. But the tears won’t stop. I pray for real physical pain so I can numb out what I feel inside. I keep thinking of crossing the road with my eyes closed.

It would have taken one message. One phone call. Something that said ‘Mahinn, wait. Don’t just leave like this.’ When I tried reaching out to you, you shut me off. That frightened me terribly. So I stepped back, still glancing towards you, hoping you’d still be there looking out for that last glimpse of me. But even your shadow had not lingered long enough to see me collapse the moment you turned and walked away.

(Jaana, I love you, hanh. I say swear.)

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