‘i realised tht u cnt make sumone feel a certain way.either its thr or it isnt. id rather hurt nw mayb he wil remember y he wanted me in his life.otherwise its best ended nw.’
Look at the message above. The email with sporadic vowel use. This was from a young girl, maybe 24 years old, who had decided on taking a stand and making a very difficult but necessary decision for herself. Her words resonate in me. These are the kind of decisions that I should be taking with as much courage and self-respect.
But I am not like this girl. I do not possess her strength, her wisdom or her clarity. When I stand up for myself and take a bold step to protect and defend myself, I am shivering with fear. I am torn by regret and indecision. I am aching with emptiness. I am burning with the fever of loss. No, I am not like this girl. How I wish I was.
The doses are stronger this time. The ability to function greatly diminished. The mind plays havoc. Taunts and old fears surface and resurface. The vulnerability rises and defencelessness overwhelms sanity. The tears just DO NOT stop. I am not even at square one. I’m at square zero. I have stepped back even further from where I began. And the phone stays silent. As stubborn as you.
I don’t think I know how to live without you. I guess life is going to have to teach me. All over again.