I used to have someone I called a best friend. We have been through some very rough times this past one year and today, this is what I find on her blog:
- Entry for November 16, 2007
I just found out that You portrayed me as a fucked up deranged loser to your so called ‘friends’.I can’t believe you did it.Talk about dignity and respect for a relationship but now nothing surprises me.
In a way you are right,I am a Loser.I am a loser because in spite of everything that has happened I still believe you ,want you back in my life.I’m also a friend who loves you with all that I have and unfortunately for me,will keep doing so till the end of my life.All I wanted from you was your friendship and your time and you couldn’t even give me that!I don’t know who is more insane me or you.
I know it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore because the friend who I love doesn’t exist.You are not her!I was willing to keep our friendship because it’s still very precious to me,somewhere I hope for it even now, but you threw it back at my face by ignoring me and humiliating me.My friend would’ve understood all this and would’ve shown some compassion.
I live in the hope that I will find love and learn to trust again but I promise you this,YOU will NEVER find a friend like me.That I guarantee!One day you will realize it .
I will always love you.Bless You always.Hope you find what you are looking for.
It makes me incredibly sad to have her think this way of me. I think people have short and selective memories and do not always remember all the details of what happened, and how and most importantly, the context of things. Viewed in isolation, things appear larger than life. Uglier. More gruesome. And completely heartless- as if they just appeared out of thin air, occurred for no reason and then, having done their damage, simply vanished. No beginning and no end. But that is never how it is. We all know that.
People in pain often believe they are the only ones hurting. They are so surrounded by their hurt that they are oblivious to the fact that they too have been the cause of someone else’s pain.
I am letting go now. I am cutting the cord. I am releasing these ties that have bound and gagged and choked us both. I am prepared to let go and let God.
She has made the supreme sacrifice to let go of a callous, heartless friend like me and all I can do is watch her walk away and I wish her well. I need to say that even as my closest friend, you never knew me for what I really am. And now, you never will.
But this is for the best. I am convinced of it now more than ever.