It’s only castles burning,
Just find someone who’s turning
And you will come around.’
– Neil Young –
I often feel very left out because I belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time. In a way I feel fortunate to have experienced so much of life, countries, cultures. I feel like I have had so much more exposure than the average person. But everything is great in the right doses and I think I may have had more than I wanted. True, we never get to choose our experiences, but well, that is the long and short of it.
What I have always craved was ONE PLACE. One place where I grew up – all of it. One place where I studied, lived and knew the neighbourhood like the back of my hand. One place where I knew every person who lived on the street, and had friends who I’d grow up with. Today, I am an outsider too. And I know that no matter where I go, I will always feel that way.
Too much has happened. Too many years passed and I am too tired and reluctant to make a new beginning again. I think I just became scared, or complacent or whatever, to want to leave where I am now and start over because it means breaking ties and chains and letting yourself into whatever it is out there. It was Rilke, I think who said that to begin anything was a tremendous act of violence. I understand what that means now.
We never get what we want and perhaps that is why they always say to be careful of what you wish for- because you just might get it. You can feel lonely even in the midst of friends, I know. I am not a loner but have often found myself in such a predicament where I have been left to my own devices and have gone through fire and brimstone within my head just in order to make it through to tomorrow.
There are so many things about life, about people and the relationships they have with you that I don’t think I will ever truly find the answers to. So for now they are questions remain in my head and I try to play my cards close to my chest. I don’t want to become a grumpy, lonely old woman who hates the world that forgot her. I prefer to think that one day I will not need anything of this world and let life go wherever it wants without me.
It’s easy talking to you. I guess all these years have not been in vain.
All my love,