I am writing again because I feel alone again.
After such a long time when I forgot what it was like to be uncomfortable in my own company. That feeling is back. I look back on the recent past when there was someone, no matter how insignificant to share my space, my hours, my silence and my conversation. Now there is no choice. Now I have no alternative. I am forced to be by myself and that hurts me because it makes me feel… everything, true and false.
Babies learn quickly. Gestures and expressions, the most complicated languages that our adult tongues cannot wrap themselves around. I learned after a very long time and a lot of hard work, how to be by myself. How to draw lines and make boundaries. How to keep out the cold and trap the warmth. How to say NO and when to say yes. I learned. And I was even happy. Yes, I was happy. But I am not happy now. I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel myself mentally slapping my forehead saying “Shit, not this again.” I’m back at square one, aren’t I? I need to unlearn the comforts of companionship and return to the safety of solitude.
I have some idea what it is I need to do right now, but I also know that I will probably not do them and let myself rot and fester because that is what I know best how to do. I am my own worst enemy and it is probably a good thing I don’t have too much competition in that respect.