Thursday’s night’s entry

right now there are just two people i really want to be with or around. one because i can talk to her and i know she will get me. the other because she adores me, because she cares so much she follows me around like a puppy when she so much as notices my smile-less face in the morning.

but i can’t be with either. i can’t tell them why i am feeling what i am and the reason i look as though my heart is breaking. because i cannot tell them so many things about who and what i am. and that makes me liar in my eyes because it feels like cheating to take someone’s genuine concern and sympathy when you cannot so much as offer them the truth in return.

i can’t be with them or call either because of who i am to them- there are not only glass ceilings but glass doors too.

the two people i wish i could have with me most right now, do not even have a clue how much i want to reach out to them. how much i want to cry and not have to say why or provide a story to explain my sorry state. they do not realise that i want just to be held. how much i want to lay down my aching head against the warmth of another human being and feel the childlike comfort of fingers stroking my hair.

they don’t know because i will never tell. but there are many languages that speak without words and perhaps, perhaps, they might just read what i am not saying and come to me wordlessly, with a hand outstretched waiting to take me home.

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