Has my blog presented enough evidence to make me certifiably insane? I asked myself this yesterday. I for one am quite convinced, but for those who may still have any lingering doubts, the following should help clear that yes once and for all. The written matter below is EXTREMELY politically incorrect so if that sort of thing offends you, I would advise you leave the page now or forever hold your piece of chicken.
Here is an example. This is a conversation I had (in my head) this morning while brushing my teeth. Please note that I would be having this conversation for REAL (yes with myself. What’s your problem?), as in with sounds and words and all. Only, the brush was in my mouth which was full of toothpaste and if you try eating and swallowing toothpaste you will gag. Did you know that? I know. It was a revelation to me too. When it’s gone past the inside of your mouth it can get pretty gross, you know. All that regurgitates and you will find your fresh breath energy splattered across the walls of your toilet.
I was thinking about Jewish mothers and food. Now my mother isn’t Jewish but I have a theory about Jewish mothers. They love fat kids. More accurately, they love their kids fat. My mother does NOT like her kids fat and that is also how I know that she isnât Jewish. Actually, my mother doesn’t like me very much either…
Anyway, I digress. I think that Jewish mothers live in constant fear of another holocaust where so many of their kind were starved to near death and all that other terrible stuff too. I used to thank God I wasn’t German or Japanese because I donât know if I could ever live down the shame of my countryâs past. I donât hold it against them though, donât get me wrong.
Speaking of the Japanese, I’ve never understood why women would waste 2 hours having a tea ceremony when perfectly decent quality tea (and in bags!) is so easily available. Also, it doesnât even taste that great. Someone should spike that vile tea with sake. No, wait. Sake is vile too.
Gargle. Spit. Gargle.
I’ve always wanted to visit Israel but my travel agent tells me she doesn’t think it’s a great idea right now. I asked her, because I am paranoid, remember, whether this had anything to do with me being a Shiite Muslim, to which she just looked at me rather plainly. Actually I thought there was a glimmer of sadness. You know that kind of look we have a split second when weâre around challenged people? That same look. I get that look A LOT, so I am beginning to wonder.
Anyway, so now Ashraf thinks I’m retarded. She said it would be her pleasure to book my tickets but should she make it one way because I would probably end up getting stoned to death at the Wailing Wall? And by stoned I am sure she didn’t mean narcotic substances.
“How about Singapore?” she asks brightly.