NEW YORK (Reuters) – He’s been to the gym, looks buff and stylish, and now Barbie’s boy toy Ken wants to win back the doll he split from two years ago.
After a two-year separation, Mattel Inc. said on Thursday, that Barbie’s long-time suitor (he’s been waiting four fucking decades to marry her? What, he doesn’t get the hint?) wants to rekindle his decades-long romance with his plastic paramour (plastic love is fantastic – are you listening, gentlemen?).
Mattel is hoping Ken’s return to retail stores can also revitalize the company’s overall fortunes (ah, that sounds more like it). In January, the company blamed sagging Barbie (that’s right, always blame the girl) sales for sagging profits (you’re thinking what I’m thinking. Admit it.)
“Ken has revamped his life — mind, body and soul,” (these are plastic dolls. Someone make Mattel take a reality check. No wonder American kids are screwed up. Only in America can dolls have minds and souls.) Hollywood stylist and Mattel consultant Phillip Bloch said in a statement. “Everyone knows how difficult it is to change, especially when you’ve lived your life a certain way for more than four decades.” (Phillip, please get some help. This is just getting more and more surreal.)
Mattel said in February 2004 that Barbie and Ken had split after 43 years because they wanted to spend some time apart. (Well, of course.)
| B: “Honey, I want a separation.”
K: Separa-what? That’s a big word. What does it mean?”
B: “It means we’re breaking up, Ken.”
K: “What? After I’ve waited 43 years?? But why, Barbie, why?”
B: “Because it’s not cool to be old or married, that’s why.And everyone’s talking about me at Mattel. They keep going ‘sagging this, sagging that’. This is bad for my self-image. I think need to see a plastic surgeon.”
Ken, who appears to have spent time in the gym and at the stylist, (Good for you, Ken! We all know that’s the only to get your girl back.) returns wearing a beachwear ensemble complete with board shorts and white T-shirt. (What? By looking like he’s trying out for Miami Vice?)
For her part, Barbie publicist Lauren Dougherty said Barbie “appreciates the new look Ken is sporting. He really looks great. But we’ll have to stay tuned to see whether these two will get back together.” (Good girl, Barbie. Love is about more than a great looking tanned body. But please don’t ask Paris Hilton about that.)
At a press conference unveiling Ken, Bloch said the company was going for a “worldly, European thing,” and “definitely wanted to be looking hot.” (Oh for the love of God, please stop.)
Mattel’s fourth-quarter results January showed an 18 percent decline in Barbie’s U.S. sales. The company said that in addition to “tweaking” the Barbie line (Bikini line?) this year, more dramatic changes would be made in 2007. (I am worried already.)