It has been a month of ups and downs. Ups, downs, blacks and whites and greys, falling waistlines, expanding bustlines, silver hair and buttergold moons, music and book, birthday and aging and feeling younger than ever even though the knees are creaking and an ache in my shoulder sometimes worse that the one in my heart. Is that even possible? More and more and more for less, lesser and even less. But that is just the equation of life, no?
There always seems too much to tell or relate and yet, from one day to the next there is nothing that really changes. It’s the same old same old, day in and day out and suddenly you take stock of things- life, love, self… and everything is different and you start wondering, ‘when did all this happen? What was I doing?’
I have been finding new poems and re-reading old ones. I have spent a lot of time in silence, walking down tree-lined avenues with a shawl around my shoulder, arms crossed, kicking fallen leaves and trying to file away my life into categories and intelligible divisions. Not working. But I still don’t give up. The need for order amidst the chaos is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I suffocate before I sleep for not being able to know what goes where.
Do I seek an absolute? Oh God, yes. Enough of the middlepath. Enough moderation. Enough balance. I want to tip the scales. I want mad passion. Frenzied love. Giddy-headed romance. Words that will tilt and lilt my vision. Sounds that will give me goosebumps and make my insides flip. I want art in life and life in art. I want nonsense. I want uselessness. I want to break open the heart and bleed to free the past. I want to be ________ tenderly. I want kid gloves. I want to be wanted. I want life or death. I want to be content with all there is and never know all that can be. I want blissful ignorance. I want forever. I want promise. I want surrender. I want someone who needs me. I want to banish neglect from the hearts of men. I want to go back and undo life. I want a Ctrl Z. I want to start over. I want shut-eyed falling into the arms of…
I want not to want.